Schedules, and why I suck at keeping them.

On the 5th of February this year I made a decision. I would make a schedule for this blog, and I'm gonna keep it.

That worked out wonderfully, didn't it.
I kept it for a few weeks, and then stopped posting. Again.

Thing is, there is a reason why making a schedule seems like a big decision to me. What do I do if I fail to keep it once? Do I apologize in the next week? Do I feel too bad to write, and decide to do it next week, so I have a bit more to apologize about?

After this happened, my thought process continued, until my blog kinda disappeared and I rarely even thought of it anymore. I thought that, now I haven't kept it for three weeks, what does one more week matter? Or two? Or months?

So now I'm back, again shortly before NaNo, because that's the time to write. Fall is full of inspiration for me, and so I decided to just go for it. To just write again, cause I missed this. I missed blogging, and didn't even notice.

It's such a great way to vent, or tell stories, share adventures with the world, all knowing that only few people will ever even see it. It's fun, yet scary, to write something people I have never talked to can and will read. And in the end, the schedule was something I set up for myself, not for anybody else. I just shared it to be more inclined to keep it.

It was supposed to help me to blog more often and regularly, and ended up being my excuse not to. So the schedule, as it has been obvious by my lack of posts for months, is officially cancelled. I will still try to blog weekly, but I will no longer let it get me down if I don't. And I refuse to, ever again, let a missed schedule keep me from posting.

It was an experiment, and it failed. It's time to learn from it, and I think I did. However, I still think it was a good decision to try.

Out of my league

Do you ever have a crush on someone who's so ridiculously way out of your league that you're not even taking your own feelings seriously?
What, you think I'm talking about me?
Noooo that would never happen to me. Ever. Like, no. Not in a million years.
As this hasn't happened at all ever to me, I thought a lot about those 'leagues' some people (including me) talk about when talking about a person they like. Leagues, as the different football leagues, for example.
Why do leagues exist? Do they serve some purpose? And which purpose would that be?

I think leagues are there to make a game interesting. If one team is just waaaay better than the other one, it usually doesn't make for an interesting game. It might end in a close result, it might end in a clear one, but usually, from beginning to end it's clear who'll win. Of course there's always the moment of ultimate failure my favourite team regularly achieves, but we're not getting into that.
If a professional team, with players of several million dollars worth, plays against a team that plays as a hobby, that's not gonna be a fun match to see. And that's where leagues come in.

Leagues separate the teams in different layers of skill, of professionality; usually stuff like finances or stadiums play a role too. That way, the good teams play against the good teams on a high level, and the hobby teams play the hobby teams and maybe go get a beer together after the game.
So yes, I think leagues do serve a purpose. Most leagues regularly change, the good ones stay up or go up, the ones who lose go one league down. The games stay interesting.

All of that makes sense (sorta) when talking about sports. It makes a bit less sense when talking about attraction, in my opinion.
Of course there's some people who are more attractive, and some less. That's, of course, a personal, subjective viewpoint, but that doesn't make it any less true. But does that make the whole league thing seem reasonable? Nope.

In sports, there's clear numbers. Win and get points, lose and don't. Get enough points to stay in that league or get one up, or don't. It's an obvious, an objective way of separating teams into leagues. That, quite frankly, doesn't work for feelings.
One of my first realisations about that whole thing was, that I only think about leagues when I'm the one having a crush. I make this person into someone they're not. Because no one is as perfect as my stupid heart, and gullible brain makes my crush seem. Of course the person you like is attractive. You like him/her, after all. Attractive is simply 'having the quality of attracting', and as the person is attracting you, that makes him/her attractive. Simple as that.

That doesn't make him any more 'in my league' though, does it?

I'm gonna go out on a limb here, but I think that leagues do not exist if it comes to attraction, or crushing on someone. You have a crush on a person that seems far too good for you? Have you ever thought that you might be making yourself sound worse than you actually are? That you are putting yourself in 'a league' far below the one you're actually in?
That's a thing a lot of people do, and the cause, I think, to the whole league thing. If you look in the mirror and just straight up hate who you're looking at, that might be your problem. Before you think someone will never like you back, how about you take the Michael Jackson approach and start with the man (or woman, but that's not the lyrics) in the mirror?
Start liking that person, the one in the mirror. And who knows which league you're gonna play in, once you do.

Sometimes I wonder

(Shhh.... noooo.... this post isn't late at allll)

Sometimes, as the title say, I wonder. I wonder if I'm on the right path, if what I'm choosing to do with my life is the right thing. Sometimes I wonder if my path even matters, after all I'm sitting on a pretty big rock that's getting swirled around in space, and there's really nothing I can do about that. Sometimes I wonder why I can't sleep.

So I stare at the ceiling in my bedroom, unable to turn off weird thoughts. In an alternate universe, I'm at Hogwarts. In another one, I'm travelling with the doctor. In another one, I found Narnia. I look at the ceiling and see nothing. Because I turned off the lights half an hour ago.

I turn to my side and my brain keeps on spitting out random thoughts. 'Remember that awkward thing you did seven years ago?'. I wonder why I did the awkward thing. I wonder why I remember. I wonder why I think it matters, because of the swirling rock in space thing.

I wonder what people think about me, and then I wonder why I care.

I wonder if I'm wasting my life, and then I realise that we all do, in some way or other.

I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. And then I turn to the left.

Then I stare at the wall. It's a white wall. It's a nice white. I like white walls, my brain tells me. I tell it that I know, because it's my brain and doesn't need to tell me what I think. I tell it that I think I know what I know and think. It tells me it needs sleep, and I tell it that so do I. And then I turn to the right.

I feel like I'm aware of movement. I feel like I can sense the world turning. But that's stupid. I'd panic if I did, because that big old rock we're probably all living on is moving at quite an enourmous speed.

And then I wonder, again, if things really matter because of that enourmous speed our big old rock is plumeting around the sun.

I'm trying to sleep, with open eyes and an even more open mind. A really talkative one, too. I get up, and wonder how I can stop wondering. I get one of my cats, and if the cat feels like it, it lies down on my bed and starts purring.

A purring cat to turn off my thoughts for the night. I hug that adorable ball of fur tight, and close my eyes. I stop wondering, if things really matter. I smile, as my brain tells me: 'I don't think all things matter. But I think it doesn't matter if they don't.' And I fall asleep.



(weird blogpost is weird.)

Notifications

I'm gonna tell you the story of what happened to me today. 30 minutes ago, rather. I had a meeting with a few friends from the Jungschiteam. Jungschi is something like christian scouts. We are planning a day camp, a project where we build something called 'Seifenkisten'. I'm not sure if they're called soap boxes in English, but Google tells me they are.

Those things. Funky little cars to roll down a hill with.

Thing is, none of us have built one before. Thing is, we don't have enough people to help yet. Thing is, we are far from having all the material. Thing is, we have one kid who signed up so far, with the end of signup being in about 15 days. Thing is, we hope this gives our Jungschi a big chance to have more kids visit. Thing is, we are inviting loads of kids without christian background, or even the kids of people who are opposed to Christianity.

Or, in short: This is a huge ass project. And we're scared of failing.

Back to the story.

Sort of.

Today is the first day of fasting time. I have, because of that, cut out all social networks (and alcohol, but that's not part of the story.). Social networks are a huge part of my day. I scroll through them when I wake up, in the bus to Uni, during boring lectures, heck, they're probably the last thing I close on my phone before I go to sleep. Just 30 minutes ago, this was gonna be what I'll blog about, as I was weirdly inspired. Someone had other plans.

During one of the mentioned boring lectures, I clicked on the Bible app I have on my phone. I read a few of the daily quotes and then got a push notification, that there's a bible reading plan for the 46 fasting days. I clicked it, and decided to stick to that plan for those days, as I'm gonna have more time on my facebook free hands anyways. I also told it to remind me at 8, about the part I have to read today.

So 30 minutes ago, now a bit more, as writing this takes time, I was walking to the bus stop and inspiration hit me. I started 'writing' the blogpost in my head, something I usually do when I have no means of writing it down where I am. I had my phone, but experience told me that walking and phone is a bad combination.

'I am terrified.' I said. 'Terrified of this time. I have 5 notifications on facebook on the first day. 5. I can only click on them in 46 days! 40. 6. Days. That's like a century. I am so dependent on it. So very attached.' I kept on babbling til I got to the Busstop. 4 minute wait.

I took out my phone: I didn't close the reminder yet. 'Read your part of the reading schedule today! Don't forget!'. I knew I'd forget if I didn't do it right now.

Something (well, someone, but you know) told me: 'Pray.'

So I did.

At the Busstop.

In the cold.

I prayed for understanding of what I'm about to read. For God's blessing with our project, and that all that seems so unsure turns out as he wants it. A bit later, the bus arrived and I got in.

I started to read. Matthew 21, it's the story of Jesus riding into Jerusalem on a donkey and how he was first celebrated and the doubted. And then it happened. God talked to me. Through the bible.

I had been waiting for a sign that this whole project was gonna be alright. That it was a good decision that I was a part of it. That it's gonna be a great experience for everyone.

I re and reread Matthew 21:21

Jesus replied: Truly I tell, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain:'Go, throw yourself in the sea', and it will be done.

Of course, being raised in a christian household, I had heard this before. But it never spoke to me this much. I sent it to my friends, immediately, because I knew I had to. If we can throw mountains in the sea, we should be able to build a bunch of soapboxes.

I am so suddenly so certain that things will turn out okay and got a whole new wave of motivation for this. All of that because I cut out social networks. All of this, because I read the bible, instead of clicking on my five notifications.

And I can tell you: It was so, so very worth to be on the verge of tears on that very occupied bus.

Compliments

Imagine someone you know, even just a little, coming up to you, smiling, and saying: "You look great today!" How do you react? Do you say thanks? Do you smile? Or do you say something like: 'Thank you... but my hair is such a mess today.' When someone compliments you on your new shirt, do you say 'I really like it too, thank you!' or do you say 'Oh, it was on sale' or 'I've had it for ages.

You have a nice smile.

I think my teeth are crooked.

Love the shoes.

They were really cheap. or: they're too small.

I've noticed that a lot, sadly also about myself. Why is taking compliments so difficult sometimes? Someone likes something about me, enough to say so. Then why do I feel the need to make that something seem unimportant or to make it less of a good thing?

I'm gonna admit that I had some inspiration for this post, even if the actual conversation I had about it was over a year ago, if not longer. My aunt said something about how a lot of people can't take compliments, and how she thinks that's kinda sad. I've been trying to change that about myself ever since.

At first it seemed like I came across as arrogant, when I said that I loved the shirt as well, or that I had braces for several years, so I was glad my smile was worth it. Maybe it felt arrogant to me, but I don't think it actually was. You are allowed to love who you are, and you should always love what you wear. About a year after the conversation that initially sparked my motivation to change even such a tiny bit of my personality, I can proudly say that this is how I react to compliments now:

I held the door open for an elderly neighbour, when she suddenly, out of the blue, said:
'You look great in green!" I was wearing my new, very green winter jacket and was kind of unsure if it was too bright and too green. But instead of doubting myself and doubting the honesty and the truth of the compliment, I said: 'Thank you, I love it as well! And you look great in blue!'

This whole blogpost may seem to be about something so minuscule and unimportant, but it has had such a weirdly big impact on my life. Saying thank you to compliments, instead of doubting them, was one of the first big steps to loving myself. And that, in my book, is so wort the risk of sounding arrogant.

So the next time you get a compliment, try believing it. Trust the person that this shirt looks awesome. Trust him/her that you look great today. Because you probably do.