Sometimes I wonder

(Shhh.... noooo.... this post isn't late at allll)

Sometimes, as the title say, I wonder. I wonder if I'm on the right path, if what I'm choosing to do with my life is the right thing. Sometimes I wonder if my path even matters, after all I'm sitting on a pretty big rock that's getting swirled around in space, and there's really nothing I can do about that. Sometimes I wonder why I can't sleep.

So I stare at the ceiling in my bedroom, unable to turn off weird thoughts. In an alternate universe, I'm at Hogwarts. In another one, I'm travelling with the doctor. In another one, I found Narnia. I look at the ceiling and see nothing. Because I turned off the lights half an hour ago.

I turn to my side and my brain keeps on spitting out random thoughts. 'Remember that awkward thing you did seven years ago?'. I wonder why I did the awkward thing. I wonder why I remember. I wonder why I think it matters, because of the swirling rock in space thing.

I wonder what people think about me, and then I wonder why I care.

I wonder if I'm wasting my life, and then I realise that we all do, in some way or other.

I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. And then I turn to the left.

Then I stare at the wall. It's a white wall. It's a nice white. I like white walls, my brain tells me. I tell it that I know, because it's my brain and doesn't need to tell me what I think. I tell it that I think I know what I know and think. It tells me it needs sleep, and I tell it that so do I. And then I turn to the right.

I feel like I'm aware of movement. I feel like I can sense the world turning. But that's stupid. I'd panic if I did, because that big old rock we're probably all living on is moving at quite an enourmous speed.

And then I wonder, again, if things really matter because of that enourmous speed our big old rock is plumeting around the sun.

I'm trying to sleep, with open eyes and an even more open mind. A really talkative one, too. I get up, and wonder how I can stop wondering. I get one of my cats, and if the cat feels like it, it lies down on my bed and starts purring.

A purring cat to turn off my thoughts for the night. I hug that adorable ball of fur tight, and close my eyes. I stop wondering, if things really matter. I smile, as my brain tells me: 'I don't think all things matter. But I think it doesn't matter if they don't.' And I fall asleep.



(weird blogpost is weird.)

Notifications

I'm gonna tell you the story of what happened to me today. 30 minutes ago, rather. I had a meeting with a few friends from the Jungschiteam. Jungschi is something like christian scouts. We are planning a day camp, a project where we build something called 'Seifenkisten'. I'm not sure if they're called soap boxes in English, but Google tells me they are.

Those things. Funky little cars to roll down a hill with.

Thing is, none of us have built one before. Thing is, we don't have enough people to help yet. Thing is, we are far from having all the material. Thing is, we have one kid who signed up so far, with the end of signup being in about 15 days. Thing is, we hope this gives our Jungschi a big chance to have more kids visit. Thing is, we are inviting loads of kids without christian background, or even the kids of people who are opposed to Christianity.

Or, in short: This is a huge ass project. And we're scared of failing.

Back to the story.

Sort of.

Today is the first day of fasting time. I have, because of that, cut out all social networks (and alcohol, but that's not part of the story.). Social networks are a huge part of my day. I scroll through them when I wake up, in the bus to Uni, during boring lectures, heck, they're probably the last thing I close on my phone before I go to sleep. Just 30 minutes ago, this was gonna be what I'll blog about, as I was weirdly inspired. Someone had other plans.

During one of the mentioned boring lectures, I clicked on the Bible app I have on my phone. I read a few of the daily quotes and then got a push notification, that there's a bible reading plan for the 46 fasting days. I clicked it, and decided to stick to that plan for those days, as I'm gonna have more time on my facebook free hands anyways. I also told it to remind me at 8, about the part I have to read today.

So 30 minutes ago, now a bit more, as writing this takes time, I was walking to the bus stop and inspiration hit me. I started 'writing' the blogpost in my head, something I usually do when I have no means of writing it down where I am. I had my phone, but experience told me that walking and phone is a bad combination.

'I am terrified.' I said. 'Terrified of this time. I have 5 notifications on facebook on the first day. 5. I can only click on them in 46 days! 40. 6. Days. That's like a century. I am so dependent on it. So very attached.' I kept on babbling til I got to the Busstop. 4 minute wait.

I took out my phone: I didn't close the reminder yet. 'Read your part of the reading schedule today! Don't forget!'. I knew I'd forget if I didn't do it right now.

Something (well, someone, but you know) told me: 'Pray.'

So I did.

At the Busstop.

In the cold.

I prayed for understanding of what I'm about to read. For God's blessing with our project, and that all that seems so unsure turns out as he wants it. A bit later, the bus arrived and I got in.

I started to read. Matthew 21, it's the story of Jesus riding into Jerusalem on a donkey and how he was first celebrated and the doubted. And then it happened. God talked to me. Through the bible.

I had been waiting for a sign that this whole project was gonna be alright. That it was a good decision that I was a part of it. That it's gonna be a great experience for everyone.

I re and reread Matthew 21:21

Jesus replied: Truly I tell, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain:'Go, throw yourself in the sea', and it will be done.

Of course, being raised in a christian household, I had heard this before. But it never spoke to me this much. I sent it to my friends, immediately, because I knew I had to. If we can throw mountains in the sea, we should be able to build a bunch of soapboxes.

I am so suddenly so certain that things will turn out okay and got a whole new wave of motivation for this. All of that because I cut out social networks. All of this, because I read the bible, instead of clicking on my five notifications.

And I can tell you: It was so, so very worth to be on the verge of tears on that very occupied bus.

Compliments

Imagine someone you know, even just a little, coming up to you, smiling, and saying: "You look great today!" How do you react? Do you say thanks? Do you smile? Or do you say something like: 'Thank you... but my hair is such a mess today.' When someone compliments you on your new shirt, do you say 'I really like it too, thank you!' or do you say 'Oh, it was on sale' or 'I've had it for ages.

You have a nice smile.

I think my teeth are crooked.

Love the shoes.

They were really cheap. or: they're too small.

I've noticed that a lot, sadly also about myself. Why is taking compliments so difficult sometimes? Someone likes something about me, enough to say so. Then why do I feel the need to make that something seem unimportant or to make it less of a good thing?

I'm gonna admit that I had some inspiration for this post, even if the actual conversation I had about it was over a year ago, if not longer. My aunt said something about how a lot of people can't take compliments, and how she thinks that's kinda sad. I've been trying to change that about myself ever since.

At first it seemed like I came across as arrogant, when I said that I loved the shirt as well, or that I had braces for several years, so I was glad my smile was worth it. Maybe it felt arrogant to me, but I don't think it actually was. You are allowed to love who you are, and you should always love what you wear. About a year after the conversation that initially sparked my motivation to change even such a tiny bit of my personality, I can proudly say that this is how I react to compliments now:

I held the door open for an elderly neighbour, when she suddenly, out of the blue, said:
'You look great in green!" I was wearing my new, very green winter jacket and was kind of unsure if it was too bright and too green. But instead of doubting myself and doubting the honesty and the truth of the compliment, I said: 'Thank you, I love it as well! And you look great in blue!'

This whole blogpost may seem to be about something so minuscule and unimportant, but it has had such a weirdly big impact on my life. Saying thank you to compliments, instead of doubting them, was one of the first big steps to loving myself. And that, in my book, is so wort the risk of sounding arrogant.

So the next time you get a compliment, try believing it. Trust the person that this shirt looks awesome. Trust him/her that you look great today. Because you probably do.

Beat the lazy

I am an incredibly lazy person. I'm not proud of this, but it's me.
When I started this blog, I wanted to post regularly. This, quite obviously, didn't work out.
I say I don't have ideas, which is true, but when I do have one, I don't write it down. Then I say that I didn't know how to write it down, did't find the right words. This is true, as well, but only to a certain extent. Did I really try? Did I really sit down and try to write something? Or did I think: 'I'll write it later. Just one more episode' and stayed glued to the couch?
Sadly, it's probably the latter.
Sadly, sitting on the couch and doing nothing is a lot more relaxing than actually doing something.
But I want to make this stop. So I'm trying something I am usually too scared to commit to. I'm trying to stick to (insert epic music) a schedule. Dun dun duuuuun.
I don't know if it'll help, but I feel like saying that I want to have a schedule now might help a lot. I wanted to post weekly when I started this blog, but I never announced it and even less stuck to it. Maybe, just maybe, that's because it hasn't worked out: I haven't told anyone. The only one who knew about this schedule I was ignoring, was me. So now you know. I want to post once a week now, just to see if it works. Just to see if schedules help me.
So a bit more info about this schedule I'll probably scratch after 2 weeks:
I will try to post once a week, usually on the weekends, unless I get inspiration earlier about a newsy thing that would be over after a few more days.
I am actually really interested to see how that turns out. Will I stick to it? And for how long? It takes me a lot of courage to commit to something. And now I feel like I just did. So I will try my very best to stick to that schedule, so I don't have to commit to another one soon. I want the schedule to win, I really do. I want to beat the lazy, even if it's just concerning this blog.
Start with something small, go step by step, or some whatever inspirational crap you think fits.